Planet 51

Another big movie, another 3rd-person tie-in game released on the DS.  But this one seems a little… familiar…

As it is written, so shall it be: every new CGI animated movie shall have a tie-in game released on the DS.  And it shall be… less than good.  And it will still sell obscenely well, despite folks like me telling folks like you to avoid it like you would Jim Davidson, armed with only an apron, a can of WD40 and a cheeky smile.  So, let’s get this over with, shall we?

Planet 51 is based on the recent movie.  A manned mission to the stars goes wrong when it crash-lands on an alien planet.  But what’s this?  The planet somehow resembles 1950s America?  Everyone’s afraid of the scary ‘alien’ bar the plucky young hero who manages to look past their differences despite being at odds with yadda yadda blah blah?  Thinly veiled parody of every ‘boy finds pet alien’ movie ever with a side order of Roswell for good measure?  Hi-freakin’-larious!  But we’re not here to review the movie, we’re here to review the game, aren’t we.  So, let us begin.

Okay, you turn the game on, get past the mandatory thousand-and-sixteen developers/companies-involved-in logos, start the game proper aaaaaaand… you’re taking a driving test.  Get used to the way things look here, since, aside from your vehicle of choice, they’re not likely to change any time soon.  The opening stage acts as a very vague tutorial, except it’s a misleading one.  You’re not directly controlling the car, you’re just moving it in and out of traffic.  ‘Okay’, you think to yourself, ‘I must have selected Easy mode by mistake.  Nope, this is really the opening stage.  You tap either side of the touchscreen to move out the way.  Then you swiftly realise that jumping over oncoming traffic nets you bonus points, and stay in the oncoming lane, pogo-jumping over cars like a demented rabbit on a motorway, thus defeating the point somewhat.

This section takes roughly, oh, forever.

After a couple of decades, you somehow make it out of the first stage and you’re finally given direct control of your first vehicle: a bike!  Well, an alien hoverbike with a boost function and jumpjets, but a bike all the same.  Somehow, it seems to go even slower than the car, and that crawled along at about 5mph.  You do another couple of missions, including one where the game informs you of the police mechanic.  Hitting cars when the police are onscreen results in them chasing you.  They even have little alert stars to let you know how wanted you are.  Coincidentally enough, this will be the point when you realise what really lies behind this game’s mask: it’s a Grand Theft Auto clone for kids!

Now, there’s a slight problem with that.  Several actually.  First and foremost, there’s the fact that we already have a GTA on the DS, and you can bet that, depressingly, most kids who want it already have it.  Second, ask anyone who’s played any of the GTA series what the main appeal of the series is, and they won’t tell you it’s the driving.  It’s running around doing missions, uncovering secrets, going crazy at a crowded intersection with a chainsaw because of that one $%^£& mission with the train and the dirtbike.  You know the one I mean.  Driving from A to B is only fun if you’re involved in a hectic car chase.  Basing an entire game around it, especially when it’s as slow as this, well, isn’t.

That’s the single biggest problem here, you see – it’s all so slow, boring and repetitive.  Drive from here to there.  Jump over cars.  How far is it from here to there?  Who knows?  There’s no kind of range or distance indicator anywhere onscreen!  Jump over cars some more!  Yes, I know, it’s a kids’ game, but as I’ve said in the past, just because it’s aimed at the little ones, doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be fun or exciting in some way.  Look at (ironically) Disney, which has always offered something for everyone, no matter what age you are.  I can’t see many kids playing this much past the opening ‘OMG IT’S A NEW GAME!’ period.  It looks okay for a DS game, but you can’t polish the proverbial, and there’s a whole lot of proverbial lurking under here.

Is there anything good about the game?  Well, the destruction derby mini-game is good for a giggle or two, and is also available in multiplayer mode, though even that outstays its welcome after a while.  There’s also a variety of races available for multiplayer, fully supported with multi and single-card play.  There’s a fair amount to unlock, with different cars being made available to you through gameplay.  There’s also various sticker albums you can find and fill up and comics to buy as well.  And it’s worthy of note that, in all my time playing, I never once encountered any bugs or flaws in the game.  Well, that’s not quite true: a few times I turned off the ‘radio’ in the car, which turns off all the music, and it also muted the sound effects too.  But considering the sound effects are as annoying as the music, that would probably be a blessing.  Either way, call it a backhanded compliment if you want, but compared to certain other recent games on the DS I could mention, it’s nice to see someone taking QA halfway seriously for once.

If you take the traditional view of kids having an attention span measured in seconds, then Planet 51 has lost before it’s even made it out of the gate.  The game takes ages to go anywhere, tutorials and stages are constantly interrupted by people talking and the graphics are fairly washed out and bland-looking.  The most interesting thing on offer here is the destruction derby, and even that can outstay its welcome after a while.

+ Lots of unlockables
+ Destruction derby is fun in bursts

- Boring
- Missions take way too long
- Lack of distance indicator means they seem to take even longer
- Boring!

Score – 2/10